Self Injury Community

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 22:36:34 GMT

Well, I guess I've never really introduced myself here....I'm Stephanie. I'm 18 and I live a very boring life right now.
I've been clean on cutting for roughly a year and a half now.

Lately there's been a lot of drama in my life, a little too much to go into detail with at this moment, but anyways...
I don't know why, but I've been devoid of any kind of feeling lately. Even when I'm with my friends, it feels like I'm just simulating happiness. I haven't been able to take my medication because it hasn't been refilled yet, which may have a factor in this....but within this past week or so I've been wanting to cut again, the urges much worse than the fleeting ones I'd get after my first few months of not cutting....

About a week ago I was listening to some really calm music to try and help me sleep (I have trouble sleeping too) and the only images that would pop into my head were full of blood and gore and severed limbs and sliced up arms....I don't know why.

I really don't know what to do, but it's scaring me a little bit. I want to be able to feel the emotions I know I should be feeling. The only feeling I've been seriously certain of is the fact that I love my girlfriend, Jamie.

I'll save the drama that may connect with these feelings for another entry or for those who'd care to know....

I'm just really afraid because I'm scared I'm going to break and start cutting again....

Also...just kind of a random thought....what are some songs you community members use to get you through rough times? What songs really inspire you and speak to you?

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 03:10:59 GMT

to make things worse...my mom just told me my grandmother...the my dads mom...the one ive waited my whole life to meet. the one i look like....shes dying...y's all this have to happen at once. she told me she really really needs me to be okay and not cut myself bc she cant worry about, momma celya and my dad and me. i have to get outta here...i wanna be here for my dad but i dont know if i can handle him crying. wtf am i suppose to do?

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:11:25 GMT

i feel like the worst person to ever walk the planet. i couldnt sleep last night. i still cant eat. not only has this thing w/ sammie been the reason i can barely even talk today, but my friend jen is upset about me too. when krista and i had broken up me and jen started talking. and she knew i still wanted to be w/ krista...then they both stopped calling me. well, i didnt know how much jen liked me. she started talking to me about it bc i made her. she was in a shell all day. and i finally made her talk to me when we got back to my place. she started crying and i felt so horrible. i told her that im sorry. i really am. but she said if im happy then she cant do anything about it. and she said this is wat i must have felt like when i found out she had a boyfriend and i told her yah. i hugged her and then her mom showed up so she stopped crying. im such a fucking bitch. y do i keep hurting people. if lived my whole life trying to make others happy. not worrying about my happiness. i finally start to focus on my life for a few years and it turns out this is when i hurt the ones i love the most. y do i even bother? wats the point of this anymore? all i ever wanted was to be happy and to make others happiness possible...but im nothing but a worthless piece of shit.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 04:22:40 GMT

i cut again. but i think ill be okay for now. i hope.

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 20:36:56 GMT

heyy. sorry i have been very active. so much stuff has been going on.
basically me and my best friend got into a lil fight and well now arent friends. i though it was going to be a clean end of a friendship. but no, thats not possible with her. she and her boyfriend started talking all this shit about me and they went aroudn telling people about how i got raped. and the worst part about that is that they were saying that i lied about being raped and i was only saying that so i wouldnt look like a slut.
like what the fuck who does that? i have never been so hurt before. i confided in them and now they are using it against me.
they even turned my ex against me. which really hurts because i really love him.
luckily everything is kinda dying down now because i am on break. i just hope when i go back to school things will be okay.
also on top of all of this i just found that my exs dad just died. and it really affected me because i knew him and because i still care about him and his family. i dont know what to do cause he wont really open up about which i understand but i dont want him to keep it all in. i told him that i was here for him though no matter what.
i just need him to be okay. his family already has so many issues.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 23:23:44 GMT

PLEASE HELP ME
i'm on my all time low.
My boyfriend means the world to me. He's my everything. EVERYTHING...and he just dumped me.
I havn't got anything else to live for.
I'm ruined.
I'm even looking up 'best ways to commit suicide' in google.
Help please...
what do i doo?

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:27:39 GMT

Hey everyone I just wanted to let you know that I've switched usernames. I recently posted in here under razorveins but have since moved to this journal. I'm looking for friends so if any of you would like to add me please feel free.

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 12:27:39 GMT

I've noticed this community goes in waves, less active in the summer, much moreso in the fall/winter.

I think a lot of 'depression' is seasonal affective disorder, and the fact that, to be honest, a lot of fucking people seem to cut themselves over silly issues they're having in school/with classmates.

Any thoughts?

Okay...

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 07:48:24 GMT

Alright, it's getting a bit bumpy for me. Anytime that I feel stress, my wrists start acting up and I get frightfully strong urges. I have had panic attacks in the past to boot, but thankfully not as of late.

I'm just asking that you guys keep with me in not cutting! @_@ This season is crazy (especially if you work in retail) but I'm hoping to make it through. I had cut myself in fall of last year and the year before that. I'm hoping that this will not be the third... I hope everyone else is doing good too! ^.^

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:41:44 GMT

things have been really rough.
i stopped taking my medicine.
i cut a little, but really a little.
and i am positive my mother cares more about my brother than me.
everything is so hard.
and i havent eaten since yesterday cause i dont feel like it.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 02:01:37 GMT

if you look deep, deep into my eyes and look past my fake smile you will see that i am broken, truly broken. i dont want to pretend to be happy anymore, i want to be naturally happy. i dont want to get upset everytime i see him. i want to be over him. and happy without him. i dont understand why i am in love with someone who now treats me like shit. and i just dont understand that if he really did used to love me, how his feelings for me just vanished. how can you stop loving someone that ment so much to you? unless everything he ever told me was a lie. i question if he ever really had feelings for me. was it all just a waste of time? i dont even know. but what i do know, and to all of you this is going to seem stupid and you'll probably think im crazy and wrong but i dont care, what i do know is that he was/is sapposed to be the one for me. i've never felt so strong about something. he is the one that i am sapposed to be with for the rest of my life. and maybe knowing this is why it is so hard for me to simply forget about him. believe you me, if i could get over him i would. im not holding on just because. you really think that i like feeling like this all the time? no. i hate it. sometimes i really hate that i ever met him. but then again for the time we were together he was the best thing that ever happened to me. i never once was sad when he was in my life. but now that he is gone, i feel empty. and i hate it. no one ever loved me like he did. that is if he really did love me. but whatever.

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 06:00:21 GMT

I'm kinda happy for myself, i havent cut in a few days...hopefully itll last longer then that...and i sent the guy that topped the cake (made me want to cut) an email and i feel kinda good about it but im still kinda worried about what he might say and that he might go fricken crazy and like go nuts on me because i sent him an email so now im starting to have second thoughts...uhhh im kinda scared now!!!....
i guess the only thing that started to help me with cutting was reading...i know crazy! but it helped, nothing else seemed to help and that did so im kinda shocked! anyway yeah i hope everyones doing good nothing much going on...hope everyone had a good turkey day!!

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 04:48:05 GMT

I don't know what's happening. Nothing's like it used to be. Happy, peaceful, full of love. Aaron and I ended the break. But since then... he said he's going to change. But I don't want him to change who he is for me. I just don't want that. Then tonight... we got into a fight. All triggered by a myspace bulletin. Then he said he trusts me, he just feels like I'm replacing him. And I'm not. He says I don't love him, but I love him more than anything. He said he was going to cut. He said he was cutting. He said he was going to try to kill himself. He said it was too late, he was in the process of killing himself. So I called his mom and asked her to check on him. He then told me he didn't feel like killing himself anymore.

This whole thing is killing me. I'm not the person I used to be. He's not the person he used to be. Nothing's as it was. Why can't we just go back in time... to when everything was okay. I don't know what to do anymore... I just really don't know. I love him so damn much... why does it have to hurt so badly?

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 19:11:45 GMT

i didnt teke my medicine today.
i dont know why.
i could.
but i have to eat before i do that.
and i dont really feel like eating.
i dont understand myself.

TIRED

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 22:24:31 GMT

Have you ever got that feeling that everything isnt going right? that the would for as you know it could end and no one would give a damn?
Life right now is more then complicated!
Its more and more drama every stinkin day and i cant take it anymore!
This morning i was called a liar, a bitch and last night a whore! all by the people in my family...does that even sound remotely normal or correct???
Well of course i havent cut yet...today anyway! but the way this shit is going it doesnt seem to far off.
I cant stand it anymore, the depression i feel from him only adds to the pain i deal with at home.
i cant take it anymore, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, scream, and die! everywhere i go it never seems to end, all the pain and guilt never seems to subside...EVER!
Life seems so...pathetic and worthless! The pain never seems to end and it aches inside of me like no other pain ive ever felt before. my home life sucks and everything just doesnt seem to be turning heads up any time soon!
what could there possibly be to do to change it all around?
maybe i just want to get caught to get sent off so i dont have to live in this hell i call home!!!!

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 18:49:24 GMT

So Aaron and I are on a break, initiated by me. We might end up breaking up soon though. And I cut again.

But the friend I mentioned, Nick, has been helping me through this whole thing (he has a girlfriend, so he's just a genuinely nice person). In the auditorium the other day he held my hand to let me know everything was gonna be okay, and also to get me to stop snapping myself with a rubber band. He's just been helping me through this whole thing... he's seriously my new best friend.

Maybe everything will turn around and we'll be happy again. Maybe. Someday. I can hope. In the mean time, I've got a friend who I see every weekday that's helping me through this. I love that kid.

UGH

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 04:15:24 GMT

I gave in...i cant believe myself...ugh
everything just doesnt seem to be turning around any time soon. theres nothing to look forward to anymore, not thats worth looking forward to anyway, well besides graduation and thats months from now!!!
he was the only one to look forward to, its all over a guy...AGAIN!!! i cant believe myself, i was doing just fine, and then i start to like someone, fall and have to start all over again, and then, relapse, why does this happen?? why now! why cant things go back to how they were...where this stuff wasnt a part of my life...why does it have to be brought back into my life...now of all times!!
could it be because i miss home
could it be because i miss him
could it be because everything seems over??
i cant stand the pain of doing it, but i deffently cant stand the pain of this hurt...any longer!!!!
poems dont help anymore...they used to and now they all seem kinda pointless. there all about the same thing!
i cant stand on my own two feet anymore all i can do is constantly fall...(not literally) it hurts to cause pain and it hurts to cry...why???

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 04:51:26 GMT

does anyone else get the extremely random urge to do "bad things".
like yesterday, i dont even remember what happened but i wanted to kill myself really bad.
i dont get it, i just get these serious urges, and i dont know what to do with them.

random

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 21:19:29 GMT

okay, ive been well cutless for 2 years and even talking about cutting to this day makes the old scars...that have dissappeared, itch!
i know some of you have either cut or are cutting or some sort of self injury...how do you deal with the itching, if you cut, or any other feeling you get in result of your injuries? i know i could never stand it, i never let the scars heal because i always itched them! just a thought!

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 01:13:33 GMT

So I got my hair cut (6 inches off, it falls around my shoulders now) and I thought it looked really cute, but Aaron was all like "you're conforming" and he didn't say that it even looked nice. Whereas my friend Nick, who I barely know, said he loved it without me saying anything and gave me a hug. Then later said I looked really pretty. Why is it that a friend I barely know is nicer to me than my boyfriend? It's not like he likes me or anything, at least I don't think so. But I don't know. He's just really nice to me and it brings to attention how wrong I'm being treated by Aaron. And he almost dumped me the other night... but he didn't and said I say "I love you" too much and that I never care and never put effort into the relationship... and I cut again. Really deep too... and in a way, I kind of hope someone sees it and puts out their hand to help me. I don't know how I'll explain the cuts to Aaron... I'll probably say I got into a fight with my parents. Oh well. Things will hopefully work themselves out...

new

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 23:47:01 GMT

I'm new....
name:amanda
age:17

okay, i havent been an SI in like 2 years! and all of a sudden i get the fearless urge to start all over again! it just feels over these past 2 years everything has built up! and i feel like im gonna explode or implode! i cant take it anymore it hurts to live!!! any advice...please

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:13:08 GMT

my burn i getting a bit betterish.
im nonstop always exhausted.
im supposed to make a collage for therapy, i wonder what she wants to get out of it..
i lost one of my medicines thismorning, so i only got ten out of thirty milligrams.
i hope everyone is doing well =].

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:19:09 GMT

well, i ended up doing on of those iceburn type things, (where you pack on the salt and then you put ice on it and it like..freezes/burns your skin).
but then it got really itchy, so i made sure to itch like all of the skin off.
and now i have a very large scab on my leg that im starting to think is infected because it is affecting my walking..
i already had..i guess you could say an itching problem, and i dont let things heal.
and i guess doing an iceburn was a pansy move kind of, but maybe its progress?
i went to my therapist woman today, and ive been lying to her for weeks and saying that even though ive felt suicidal and wanting to hurt myself i havent.
when infact i cut, alot, tried to break my hand (which she knows actually) and now the iceburn.
oh, and a regular burn.
i dont know why im lying to her.
i dont know what to do, i honestly wish people would just stop bothering caring so i can just..
i dont know.
but im grounded because i got an f and a d+ so this will be my last entry for a while probably, but i will still be checking as much as i can.

What I thought about all day while I was at home cleaning instead of at school.

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:53:11 GMT

So Aaron and I are doing fine... except he's still getting mad at me a lot for reasons that don't even exsist some of the time. And when he has "reasons", it's something I have the right to get mad at him for, not vice versa. But I'm starting now to really care. I'm just like "eh, he's mad, what else is new?" and it doesn't hurt. At all. I've accepted it. I know that's not normal, but it makes me wonder: does he want me to break up with me or something? I'm many people's definition of the perfect girlfriend: cool with his friends, doesn't flirt with other guys, can't lie, respects when he has other plans and doesn't suggest cancelling them, doesn't get mad over tiny things, and is there emotionally. He's kind of opposite...: hates my friends, very flirty (always giving hugs to other girls, I can't even acknowledge another guy in his presence), constantly lies, gets pissed off when I have other plans (like this weekend I'm spending the weekend with my sister, he can't accept that), gets mad over EVERYTHING (including things in my past, like: ex-boyfriends, previous mistakes, and yesterday he complained that I didn't wear my cute clothes for him... and that hurt. Because I try hard to look good for him. I even wear actual perfume for him. Not just body spray.), and if I'm having a bad day he'll talk to me enough to cheer me up, then as soon as I'm feeling okay, he'll get mad at me for something. He also got mad that he's not the only person I text in the mornings (until I can drive, I have to spend practically an hour on the bus in the morning). I have other friends, or at least I did... I'm not too sure anymore. If I make any plans with other people, he gets really mad and then I feel bad and have to spend a day apologizing. And he'll go out of town with his best friend, call once or twice, and I'm happy he's having fun. I've considered breaking up with him numerous times, but I can't do that. The position I'm in won't let me do anything. I still love him, or at least I think I do. He means a lot to me. And he's always accusing me of not loving him. Especially when he's mad for something I didn't do. Why does he do this? It just doesn't make sense. And it bothers me that he'll talk shit about other people (mainly my parents, his mom, my friends, etc.) then he'll treat them with tons of respect. If he hates them like he says he does, then he'd be honest. It really doesn't make sense.

Does anyone have any advice? I want to stay with him, but I don't want things to continue like this.

I'm not sure were to start...

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 04:19:28 GMT

I'm not big on writing posts on here, but im glad you guys let me read some of your posts, it helps me to feel less alone in a way (as dumb as that may sound)...

I'm the same way in life though, i never like to address and/or talk about my feelings. I just keep them bottles up inside, which i guess is my main problem.

But i don't want to go back to how i was before. I don't want to cut ever again I'm so sick of it, and I haven't done it for about 4 months now. So dumb me thought,"oh i must be fine now, and because i've been clean for 4 months I'll never be tempted to do it again." But I'm wrong. I'm so wrong.

I don't even know what triggered it, I haven't been this sad in a long time. I didn't cut, but I'm so close to doing it, even now i want to, and it's so hard to hold back. To find a reason to hold back.

The other night I stayed up most the night crying, part of it about college and how i can't handle it, and if i fail one class (which i probably will) i won't have financial aid anymore, so no more college, no more future. Another factor about my family. yes, i already know I'm pretty much the black sheep of the family, but it was just so apparent yesterday. & I know I shouldn't compare myself to my sister, but i can't help it. I look so pathetic compared to her, which is why my mom actually loves her and does anything and everything for her, while im just alone in my room, or out of the house because I can't handle living here anymore. And my dad, ugh, its so frustrating. He has depression and schizophrenia bad, and sometimes he'll randomly flip out on the family, or just be drinking, and i try not to get mad at him because he can't help it, and me getting mad at him isn't going to help, but its so hard sometimes not to; and then i hate myself even more for being mad at him. When im mad at anyone, even if there is a good reason for it i just feel so guilty after. Who am i to judge someone, look at how pathetic i am.

& i recently got a boyfriends, i really shouldn't have, because now, more than ever, it's apparent that I can't handle having one now, or ever it seems. I just feel so bad that he has to deal with me, and because his ex- gf had problems with depression and cutting; so i try to be happy all the time with him so he doesn't get annoyed at me for being like his ex, but it's so hard to pretend all the time. And i know he wouldn't want to have to deal with me if he knew about my "problems", i don't even want to deal with me.
i don't know, i guess i've been really stressed out, and holding a lot of things inside, i would talk to my friends, but i can't help but feel that i would just annoy them by talking to them. I can't talk to my boyfriends about it because of reasons, and if my family knew i feel like they would just make fun of me or disown me.

i have no one to turn to and i can't do this all on my own. There i've finally admitted it to myself... i need help. I'm lost and I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore, i just wish i was dead at times, then i wouldn't have to deal with this all, and people wouldn't have to deal with me.